Pull up your pants, son – you’re in Warner Robins

I realize that I’m a little late to the party on this one, but some issues are so important, so crucial to the public interest and our way of life, that they must not be allowed to pass without comment. I am referring, of course, to the passing of the sagging pants ban by the Warner Robins city council last week.

The ordinance that was passed on a 4 -2 vote makes it illegal to be nude in public (who knew that wasn’t already against the rules?) and also makes it a crime to let one’s britches sag more than 3 inches below one’s beltline. And all across the city, young men who spent lots of money on fancy boxers they planned to show off with a “sag” wailed their disapproval.

Much has already been said about this momentous piece of legislation, and the council has received a lot of flack on these pages for outlawing what basically amounts to a questionable fashion choice. Some people have even questioned the council’s mental faculties, especially given that a call for a ban on cell phone use while driving, a practice that has been shown to endanger people’s lives, wasn’t even given serious consideration at the same meeting.

I for one am also unhappy with the ordinance, but not for the reasons most of its detractors are.

Council was correct in banning the sag - the look is an affront to both decency and aesthetics. My problem is that once they made the decision to take a stand on proper attire, I think they should have gone all the way with it. They missed a golden opportunity to implement a strict, city-wide dress code that could have made Warner Robins the best-dressed city in the USA.

Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a city where everyone dressed modestly and appropriately at all times, and where offenses to the gods of fashion were consistently punished with fines and prison time? Call me a dreamer if you will, but the bold move by the Warner Robins city council has inspired me.

In their next meeting, I propose that they consider adopting a more ambitious ordinance mandating proper attire within the city limits. And to give the new rules some teeth, they should establish a brand new branch of the city police department to enforce them. All around the International City tacky dressers will learn to fear the iron fist of the Warner Robins Fashion Police (WRFP).

Here are my suggestions for some additional rules that should be added to the city dress code for the WRFP to enforce:

- Tight and/or revealing clothing should only be worn if you have the body to pull it off. Unless you have the body of an Olympic athlete, it is best for all concerned if the finer details of your physique are left to our imagination.

- T-shirts with slogans on them should not be profane or inordinately stupid. Any guy who wears a shirt that says “I can’t help it if your girlfriend won’t stop staring at me”, for example, is a danger to himself and others and is in need of correction.

- If you are wearing shorts and socks at the same time, the socks must be white. (People over the age of 65 would be exempt from this one.)

- If you are a 12 year-old girl you must dress like a 12 year-old girl, and not a 21 year-old girl who might possibly be a street walker.

- This isn’t exactly clothes-related, but it needs to be a law nonetheless – no comb-overs! Once and for all guys, get it through your head – you aren’t fooling anyone.

- Unless you are a resident of Texas who is visiting the city, the wearing of cowboy boots with a suit is not permitted. (Sorry, Mayor Walker!)

Running into middle age

Like most people, I find that I am getting older every day. And like most people, I’m not too thrilled about it. Unfortunately I don’t have a lot of say in the matter, so I am learning to cope.

I think when I passed 40 the reality of aging really began to set in. I don’t consider myself to be “old” just yet, but I can now see senior citizenship on the horizon. There’s no changing reality of course, but I decided that it was time that I put more focus on my health so that I can increase the odds that I will age gracefully.

The most significant thing I have done along those lines is to start exercising regularly again. It had been at least 10 years since I had a regular exercise routine when I made that resolution, but when I started a new job this year that included free membership at a gym I decided that it was time to get back into it.

Back in the 70s and 80s I was caught up in the jogging craze that swept the country. If you’re my age or older I’m sure you remember how popular it was back then. A lot of us could be seen wearing warm-up suits and headbands as we trotted alongside the shoulder of the roads in our neighborhood. I was running up to five miles 3 or 4 times a week at the time and I actually enjoyed it.

So naturally when I thought about exercising again I wanted to include running as part of my routine, but I wondered if I might be too old now for that sort of thing. Would I have a heart attack after the first half-mile? Would my knees give out within the first month? Would water aerobics be a more realistic regimen for a man my age?

I decided that the best way to find out would be to give it a try, so I went out and bought a new pair of running shoes and hit the indoor track. After about two months of running three times a week I’m happy to report that both my heart and my knees are holding up just fine.

And this week I came across a news item that made me feel very good about my decision to get back into running. A study from Stanford University School of Medicine seems to indicate that people who run regularly in their middle years are more active and have fewer disabilities than non-runners when they reach their 70s and 80s and are they are also 50% less likely to suffer an early death. Even knee-related problems were more common for relatively inactive test subjects than for people who ran for exercise on a regular basis.

This study is just latest in a long string of them that suggests that regular vigorous physical activity is the closest thing there is to a fountain of youth. The most significant cause of disability as we get older is not the passing of time, but inactivity. People who exercise regularly do feel the effects of age, of course, but the declines are far more gradual than they are for sedentary people.

I realize that it gets harder to do just about everything as you get older, and exercise is certainly no exception. But as we need to keep in mind that if we don’t push ourselves to get off the couch and move around we will be spending more and more time confined to that couch and eventually we won’t be able to get up from it without assistance.

None of us can cheat the aging process, but our actions have a significant effect on how we look and feel as we travel down the road of time. I for one plan to keep on running as long as my body cooperates. And maybe in 30 years or so I’ll be ready for that water aerobics class.