How to compute your erotic capital

According to a 2010 research paper by sociologist Catherine Hakim, we all are blessed with a certain amount of what she calls “erotic capital.” The more of it you have, the more attractive you are to the opposite sex and the more successful you are likely to be in getting what you want out of life.

Ms. Hakim believes your erotic net worth can be calculated by measuring your sex appeal, your level of physical fitness, your adeptness at social skills, and how well you present yourself to the world. What her paper didn’t provide, unfortunately, is some way to generate a numerical score for your erotic capital. I’m here to remedy that.

I like to keep things simple, so I’ll allow a maximum of 25 points for each of the four categories, which gives you a possible maximum score of 100. To illustrate how my rating system works, I’ll rate myself in each category as I break them down. Feel free to rate yourself as we go along, but try to be honest. You don’t want to go through life thinking that you’re George Clooney when you’re really more of a Carrot Top.

Sex Appeal – This isn’t just about looks, but includes things like self-confidence and positive body language. If you stand up tall and look people in the eye when you talk to them, it greatly improves your score. If you’re more like me and tend to slump and look down a lot, you’re going to take a hit. I’m giving myself 15 out of 25 here.

Social Skills – When you walk into a room full of strangers, are you the kind of person who immediately puts people at ease and gets them talking to each other? Do people tend to gravitate towards you because you always know a good joke or an interesting story to keep their interest up? No? Me neither. I can only allow myself 10 points here. I’m beginning to wonder how I ever got a date, much less how I ever got someone to marry me.

Physical fitness – Ah, at last, something I don’t completely suck at. I’m 43 and my waist is the same size it was in college. My BMI rating is right in the ideal zone. However, I’m not what you’d call muscle-bound, so I can’t max out my score. I’m going to give myself a 20 or being in “really good shape, for a man my age.”

Self-presentation – This one is all about style. You get major points for knowing what to wear and how to wear it, but (fortunately for me) you also get some points just for being clean and not dressing like a total clown. I can see my way to giving myself 15 out of 25 just for bathing regularly and knowing that leisure suits are never coming back into style.

So let’s see, if I tally up all my points that gives me 60 out of a possible 100. Not great, I admit, but keep in mind that there aren’t many people who get close to 100 and you can look around in any crowd and see plenty who would probably rate way below 50.

And besides, how much erotic capital do you really think you’d really want to carry around with you? The more desirable you are, the more people are going to want from you. Frankly, I’d prefer to be left alone much of the time, and I imagine it’s hard to get much private time if you’re Brad Pitt or Jessica Alba.

Yes, I know, being mistaken for Brad Pitt is not something I’m ever going to have to worry about. Numbers don’t lie.