I won’t be going to this tea party

It would seem that an increasing number of Americans have finally, at long last, become alarmed with the way our federal government is deficit-spending us into financial oblivion. There have been protests breaking out all over the country, often referred to as “tea parties” in reference to that historical tax revolt in Boston during our colonial days, designed to send a message to Washington that they need to do a better job managing our money, or else.

Given my deeply-held and oft-expressed concern about our country’s debt situation, you might think that I’d be first in line to join the party, hold up a picket sign, and lob tea bags (or something heavier) at whatever big-government liberal happened to wander by. But you would be mistaken.

For one thing, I’m highly suspicious of the motives behind these protests. I have to wonder what these protesters (who are being egged on by certain right-wing media “personalities”) were doing while President Bush and a Republican congress were burning through money like there was no tomorrow. Sure, Obama and his cohorts are expanding the hole with a much bigger shovel, but it seems like too much of a coincidence that this display of outrage is so perfectly coordinated with the changing of the party in power.

But the worst part of this whole thing is how the protesters are trying to relate what we’re going through now to a uniquely brave and dangerous act of defiance by some truly disenfranchised individuals. Remember, the colonists in Boston were protesting taxation WITHOUT representation. They did not have an opportunity to vote for or against the people who were bleeding them dry from across a wide ocean.

We are in a very different situation. President Obama and every single member of congress were elected by the very people on whom they are perpetrating, and have long been perpetrating, the financial chicanery that has an increasing portion of the population in an uproar. Do you really want to know who is really to blame for the mess we are in? Go take a look in the mirror.

Instead of carrying signs and waving around dehydrated plant matter, Americans who believe the country is moving in the wrong direction need to think about making some real changes in leadership. Everyone seems to think that managers of failed corporations like AIG should be replaced, but how about the members of congress who were asleep at the wheel (or even actively participating in the problem) while these businesses skirted or ignored laws and business standards designed to discourage the nonsense they were engaged in? Do they deserve to keep their jobs?

I would say no, and a year from now some of them will be coming before you with their hats in their hands imploring you to let them continue to “finish the important work they have started.” Maybe you would say that we should throw the bums out, but do you really mean it?

Would you vote for someone who said they would oppose ALL pork barrel spending, even if it meant your district got short shrift when bacon was being served? Would you vote for someone who pledged to yank Social Security and Medicare back into the real world, even if it meant tax increases and benefit reductions? Would you vote for someone who told you that the government really can’t manufacture jobs, wealth, security, or any of the other good things in life that we all want, but that everyone has to work hard to procure those things for themselves and their families?

I certainly would vote for such a candidate. In fact I have in the past, but usually I’m joined by less than 2% of the voting public. Until that changes you can hold all the rallies you want if it makes you feel better, but don’t expect anything to change.

Please don’t arm the animals

If you ever get to the point where you don’t feel like you have enough to worry about, just scan the news headlines for a few minutes and you’ll find plenty of things to lose sleep over. The economy is still in a tailspin. Fresh military threats loom in the Middle East and on the Korean peninsula. You can’t even eat peanut butter without worrying about getting sick.

And now it seems that we are faced with a brand new, heretofore unrecognized threat – the possibility of an interspecies war. We were all shocked to hear about the 200-pound pet chimpanzee that mauled a woman a few weeks back, but we probably all assumed it was an isolated incident. New evidence suggests that it may have been the beginning of a disturbing trend.

Consider the story of Santino, as 31 year-old chimp who lives at the Furuvik Zoo in Sweden. It seems that during his time at the zoo, Santino grew tired of the insolent humans laughing and pointing at him from behind the safety of their protective fencing. Thumping his chest and howling in protest only seemed to encourage the hairless yahoos who tormented him, so he came up with another way to show them his displeasure.

Early in the mornings, Santino would carefully collect a pile of rocks and set them aside while the humans lined up to “watch the funny monkeys.” Then, without warning, he would suddenly fill the sky with a hail of stones and watch contentedly as the hapless members of the “dominant” species scrambled for cover. When he ran out of rocks he was even bright enough to look for weak spots in the concrete portions of his habitat and knock them out to restock his arsenal.

Experts in animal behavior were amazed at the amount of planning, imagination, and forward-thinking Santino exhibited with his rock-throwing shenanigans. They aren’t sure if all chimpanzees are capable of this sort of creative thinking or if Santino is some kind of simian Einstein, but either way the cause for concern on our part should be clear.

We need to ask ourselves what will happen if Santino and his ilk ever get their hands on more lethal weaponry. You may find that line of thinking to be ridiculous, but how much more difficult is it to point a gun at someone and pull the trigger than it is to carefully select a well-shaped rock and hurl it at someone? It is not at all hard to imagine an ape of Santino’s caliber being able to figure out just what a gun is for and how useful it can be in influencing human behavior if he ever got his hands on one.

But, you may say, what human would be dumb enough to arm a chimpanzee and teach it to shoot? I say the surprising thing is that this has not happened already. We live in a world where people teach chimps to do lots of things that people do – wearing clothes, eating with utensils, smoking, even “talking” to us using rudimentary sign language. How far-fetched is it to think that someone, somewhere who has access to both a chimpanzee and a 9 mm will make that fatal leap in logic?

In fact, it is not difficult to imagine some of the more radical environmental and animal rights groups deciding to arm the ape world so that they may defend themselves from the oppressive human race on a somewhat more even footing. Anyone who has ever seen the “Planet of the Apes” movies may feel a chill run up their spine. Could we be on the brink of witnessing life imitate art?

I can’t say I’m enamored with the idea of taking a full-time job peeling bananas for our simian overlords, but it’s probably not the worst thing that could happen. Lord help us all if cats ever take over.