More things the government could pay us to replace

This week Americans bid a sad farewell to one of the most popular government programs ever. More than 600,000 worn out old wrecks were traded in for sleek new fuel-efficient cars under the “Cash for Clunkers” program in less than a month. At the end of the day, close to $3 billion dollars of our tax money will have been spent to help people buy new cars and pump new life into the beleaguered automotive industry.

Cash for Clunkers may have ended, but the government is not finished helping us upgrade our lives just yet. Now Uncle Sam wants to pay you to replace your major appliances with newer, more energy-efficient models. You may be able to get a voucher for anywhere from $50 to $200 towards the purchase of a new refrigerator or washing machine if you qualify. Is this not the greatest government in the history of governments?

I feel like a kid at Christmas, wondering what Uncle Sam is going to leave under the tree for me next. We can only hope that the largesse doesn’t stop with automobiles and washing machines. We have an opportunity here to help Americans remake their lives in every conceivable fashion, and it is obvious that money is no object here.

Here are just a few of my suggestions for future “Cash for…”exchange programs.

- Cash for Old Houses. I’d be shocked if this one isn’t already at least in the planning stages because it just makes too much sense. Take a depressed housing industry, stir in millions of Americans living in run-down old homes, and season with an unlimited supply of deficit spending. That gives you the perfect recipe for a massive new spending program to help people purchase new homes. Sure the costs would be astronomical. So what’s your point?

- Cash for Old Spouses. Few things would upgrade the quality of life for many Americans than to trade in their tired old husband or wife for a newer, more efficient model. To qualify you would have to have been married for at least 20 years and your spouse would have to be at least 55 years old. Your replacement would have to be under 35, have a good job, and leave a relatively small carbon footprint. Uncle Sam won’t find a replacement for you, but he will give you a voucher for up to $10K a year to keep your May-December romance in bloom. I’m not going to speculate as to what the government might do with your spousal trade-in, but Sarah Palin probably has an idea or two.

- Cash for Conservatives. If there is one thing holding us back from becoming a liberal utopia it is those busy-body conservatives with their annoying preference for smaller government and low taxes. It’s time to buy them out. For a one-time payment of $100K conservatives would have to agree to do the following for the next four years: vote a straight Democratic ticket every election, abstain from attending any town hall meetings or rallies on any courthouse steps, and have Fox News and conservative Internet blogs blocked from their homes.

If you’re thinking that it would be ridiculous to suggest that there would be any conservatives would sell out so easily, let me ask you a question. Do you think that all of the people who took advantage of Cash for Clunkers were big-government, tree-hugging liberals? Or do you think that more than a few right-wingers who rail against the “spread the wealth around” concept gladly took the $4500 credit for their old junkers because, well, it was just too good an opportunity to pass up?

As Alfred Adler said, it’s much easier to fight for your principles than it is to live up to them.